april19th

I want control back.

nothing is ever about making myself look a certain way for them, it’s all for me.

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the root of all of my problems is my parents’ divorce and there’s not a single thing i can do but accept everything that i hate. 

What is best for one person may not be the best for another and you need to come to terms with that and actually let go.

You can stop being upset over my boyfriend now.

I’m only holding myself together for your sake.

I desperately do not want to feel this way. 
Why is it that nothing is ever good enough for me? I have such a good thing going here, someone who loves me and treats me well but I can’t help want to be wanted again by the ones that I was tossed to the side by. The ones that I tossed to the side. 
My head is so fucked up. 
I miss the sex. No words, just motions. 
Falling hard and fast for words that meant nothing. I miss it. I miss being careless. 
Am I too young for this still? I don’t know if I’m ready to be tied down for the rest of my life from this point on. 
I don’t know if I can do this. 
What I have should be enough. 
Something is wrong if I feel this way. 
And I want to be honest about it, but will it cause problems?
Will not mentioning it cause more problems? 

I am bothered by the fact that I am not missed.

I have no business missing you in the way that I do. Saying happy birthday made things a little bit harder. I wish this thing was one that I could control. I’ve been so good at making myself not care or convincing myself I don’t to the point where I push it out of my mind altogether. But I can’t seem to with this and I don’t know why. I feel happy but I also feel like there’s a hole in my heart and in my life that you left there when you broke things off. There aren’t words that describe how you made me feel but it’s something I’d never felt before and something I’ve been missing all along and it’s been gone for the last six months. I wish things had gone differently. I wish I could appreciate everything I have fully.

No no no no no no no no no

:(

I just miss you a lot.

I miss the sound of your voice.

I can’t decide if I’m just in a mood or if I’m just not happy anymore.

Pretend to hate me all you want, if I were to drop everything in my life for you, you’d be thrilled.

It’s unfair how you promised you’d never become what you have become. It makes me sick. You make no time for me. You’re always with him. I’m in a relationship too, far more serious than yours and yet you put him before me 120% of the time. And I’m tired of it. If you want to play that game, fine. I’ll put everyone in my life before you and when you lose what you have, I won’t be here for you. I refuse to allow myself to just be your friend when things fall apart. It should be more than that. You should want there to be more effort to keep our friendship. But if you won’t, I won’t. I won’t be the only one trying to hold this together.

I completely regret everything that happened November to January. Every day that goes by, I feel like more of an idiot for ever speaking to anyone else.

I laugh a lot at how often we joke about getting married and everything but deep down I know it’s probably 89% likely that we’re going to be together for quite some time.

You’re such a fucking scumbag. Leave everyone I’ve ever cared about alone or I swear to god I’ll fucking destroy you. You have no idea.